


Home..?

by orphan_account



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, M/M, idk what else to tag with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 08:25:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4341320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If home is where the heart is, Killua never wants to go home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home..?

They had been best friends - no, best friends isn't the right word. They had been lovers in a sense during their adventures together, lovers in silence. An audible confession was never made by either, it wasn't needed. It had been four years now. Four years since Kite had died, since Gon carelessly tried to give up his life to avenge Kite, since Killua felt his heart get ripped in two and smothered into dust. Alluka left for her own pursuits around eight months ago, leaving Killua utterly alone for the first time.

  
The time alone wasn't fun, it was haunting. He had always placed himself around others to feel useful, determining his self worth by how those he was closest to treated him. Being alone only made him paranoid - like an easily startled cat filled with anxiety ready to lash out at any moment over the slightest agitations. At some point Killua had stopped answering Gon's calls, insisting on speaking through text message only. Hearing his voice hurt, it gave Killua a sense of longing for what they once were but couldn't be again. After awhile they had dropped communication all together, until today. Gon had sent Killua a text message asking, no, requesting to meet once more. He said it was urgent but Killua felt as though there was something odd about this, given the desired location for them meeting.   
  
Gon, for the first time in years, was left speechless. Killua had definitely aged well, there was no doubt about that. Those eight months alone, however, they had taken their toll. His hair was knotted and losing it's silky shimmer, the oceanic depth to his eyes was fading, and his forearms were covered in marks - as if he'd been scratching at the same spots repeatedly. The Killua that Gon once knew was fading away and this realization gave Gon a great pain, he knew he had a part in all of this. Gon began to open his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. What could he say? What was there to say? He knew what he wanted to say, but now it seemed inappropriate, almost malicious.   
  


"Killua," he paused, "I'm sorry."   
  


Hearing Gon say his name again was intoxicating. A part of Killua wanted to end this right now. He wanted to pull Gon's heart right out from his chest, pierce his body and watch the life and joy leave those amber eyes for good. But Killua knew better, he knew he wouldn't - he couldn't, after all. He was forever and always faithful to his debilitating love for Gon, for better or worse.   
  


"Before you say another word, answer me truthfully," Killua looked up to meet Gon's gaze. "Why did you pick this place?"  
  


Gon wasn't stupid. He had millions of options to request a meet-up at, but he picked here. The exact location where they agreed to entwine their lives under the guise of a goal, the location where Killua realized for the first time he full-heartedly loved Gon with everything he had.   
  


"I picked this place because, well.." Gon's voice weakened, "the night we spent here was the most important night I'd ever spent with anyone to this date."   
  


_Silence._   
  


Neither knew what to say after that, it had been an honest answer. Gon would never lie to Killua, this much he knew at the moment. However, Gon's honesty couldn’t have been more deadly. Killua was hoping that just this once, Gon would have lied. That he would’ve laughed it off and avoided the subject, but he didn’t. Gon was serious about what he came to say, and he had no intentions of brushing anything off any longer. Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes felt like years. Faded sapphire eyes steadily gazed into sullen amber ones, searching for unspoken answers to unspoken questions. Someone would have to break the silence eventually.  
  
"Killua.." God, even just hearing Gon say his name was too much to bear.  
  


"Shut up, just _shut up!_ " Killua shouted, eyes going puffy and red. "You don't know, do you? You never even realized that I loved you all those years ago, did you!? I.. I still love you, Gon. Even if you may have been the worst thing to happen to me."  
  


Gon's eyes went wide, Killua... loved him? Of course he did. How could Gon forget the way their eyes locked when they were kids. Those nights they spent staring at the stars, talking about the future - _their_ future, together. Minutes passed yet again in silence before Gon spoke.  
  


"I knew," his voice was soft, "I may not have understood at the time, but I still knew. Killua, I was selfish. The time I spent with you was irreplaceable, that's something I couldn't realize until we had split apart. Although I was selfish, and highly naïve to how those around me felt, a piece of me knew all along. That part of me hasn't left, you know. I remember all those nights, the late mornings, and more importantly, I remember you always being there for me, right by my side no matter how much pain it caused you."   
  


Gon reached out for him but stopped, placing his hand back at his side. There it was, the last straw needed to destroy Killua in this moment. The world felt like it was going 150 miles per hour. Recognition was all Killua ever wanted from Gon, he wanted to be seen as an equal, someone who was not there to please but rather someone who was meant to be there because he deserved the opportunity. The hesitation in Gon's voice shattered the wall that was holding back Killua's tears, and they all came streaming out at once.  
  


"Gon... do yo-"  
  


"Yes. I do. I love you, Killua. That’s why I asked you to come here, I wanted to properly confess in a way I couldn’t four years ago. I doubt anything could possibly be the same between us now, given what.. what I did, but I wanted you to at least know. I loved you and I still do, I always will. Everywhere I go, I wish I was going with you. I miss you so much, Killua. In the end all I am is selfish, you should know this better than anyone," the last words Gon spoke echoed, somewhat of a testament towards what he had been, and always will be.   
  
“You were, no, _still_ are my home, Gon. My heart has always been with you. It aches a lot, you know. It aches and numbs itself, I’m constantly fumbling around to find things to forget you. To forget how I feel about you, but no, you have to go and love me back,” Killua turned away, “it’s not enough, you should have realized this. You can apologize all you want, tell me you finally love me more than the moon and stars but nothing will ever erase what I’ve gone through because of you.”   
  
“I don’t want to erase it,” Gon cursed himself for blurting out like that, “I mean - I wish I could, but I understand that I can’t. I didn’t come here to erase the past, Killua. I came here to offer amends and try to build a future,” Gon waited to see if there would be any reaction from Killua. A reaction that didn’t come so willingly. “If… if I really am your home, I want to fix it.”  
  
“Huh?” Killua turned back to face Gon in disbelief. “You think you can fix this? Me? You? _Us_? That’s.. funny, I never considered fixing anything.”   
  
He was shaking, every word out of Gon’s mouth was like a fresh stab wound for him. It was everything he wanted to hear, but also everything he wished to avoid. Feeling like an alley cat backed into a corner he was ready to pounce, willing to gouge anything in his path to escape without a scratch. Every atom in Killua’s body screamed out to run, just hit him and run. Never look back on this, forget it had even happened. It wouldn’t happen, though. Killua would be haunted by everything said here tonight, stuck playing it on loop going over hypotheticals, crying himself unconscious wishing that things could have worked out better. 

Gon reached out one more time, gently holding Killua’s hand in his own. Rather than pull his hand away, Killua allowed it. He craved contact. He wanted to fall apart and be reassembled in a way that would make him suitable for Gon. To remake his image as the boy Gon once knew, not a broken rag doll that scrambles and yearns for reassurance with open shame.

 

“Please, Gon... Don’t hurt me again.”


End file.
